This Is What an RPG for Indie Movie Heroines Would Look Like


Fall in Love??? (What’s Love ANYWAY?): This level has two bosses. The first, Red Flag Man, will tell you after you sleep with him that his last girlfriend begged him to go to therapy. Defeat him by not catching the feelings after he confuses you for an entire month. The second boss is the Normal One. Accept a date with someone who clearly communicates feelings but doesn’t make you laugh or think. (WARNING: If you defeat this boss and fall in love, you could land in a jail relationship for three years, which is nice, but you only get to do side quests.)

Find Meaning: In the game’s final level, you unlock your therapist and together you battle ennui.

Side Quests

Adopt a Pet or Plant: In lieu of having a partner/child, Fiona can adopt a cat, dog, or plant, depending on how many resources she has.

Decorate Apartment: When someone disappoints you, hang up art you’ve been meaning to for months.

Date Someone Older: You are a bright spot in a 45-year-old man’s life and make him feel young again, but he is unavailable (either married or emotionally distant).

Help Your Drunk Friend Get Home: Navigate annoying taxi drivers and neighbors as you provide a shoulder for a friend.

Dog Sitting: Your friend’s dog Meatball runs away while you’re watching him, and you have to chase him down (bonus points for more running).

Daddy Issues: Dad is in town, but he won’t stop talking about how much everything costs.

Dinner Party With Fancy People: You underdress, get too drunk, and yell at people about how small their lives become when they have kids.

Help a Friend Through a Break-Up: You go out dancing and sleep over at their place and get stoned and flip through coffee table books and laugh and cry and it’s one of the best nights you’ve had in a long time. And you know you’ll need each other forever and it’s kind of wonderful, isn’t it?

Surviving Saturn Return

Fiona’s mission to seek fulfillment in life will require her to make hard choices. Metro girls strive to remain cool and upbeat, but often find themselves in depressive spirals or making others feel bad. Rarely are these choices sensible, and they often send Fiona’s life into a spiral of chaos and pain. Saturn Return features multiple endings that result from the choices you make throughout the game—will she be an adventurer, a degenerate, an artist, or a spinster?


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